What makes my neighborhood so unique is that it’s one of the few neighborhoods in the valley where people actually talk to each other. I assume this is because our community park is lively with dog walkers, an activity that often forces cardiovascular and social exercise beyond your will. Within the five years I have owned my dog Oliver, I have gotten the chance to observe many dogs of the neighborhood and in doing so, form strong, meaningless opinions on them.

BABY

Rating: Best dog

Baby...I’m in love with you. Baby is the PERFECT dog. She extremely soft and sweet and oddly light for being a medium sized mixed-poodle breed. When she jumps on you she delicately puts her paws on you one at a time with a feather-like touch. She melts me. The only downside is that her owner is a total CREEP. He is always deliberately getting me wrapped up in Baby’s leash just to help me out. I mean, he named his dog Baby, that’s already kind of weird. Baby, my heart is with you.

TIA & MIA 

Rating: Weird dogs (but sad)

Dawn has the worst dogs in the entire neighborhood (And is also the worst person in the entire neighborhood). It’s a pair of matching Scottish Terriers, further strengthening the standard of white people getting matching dogs. They stand on the window sill all day, everyday, and never shut up. Dawn takes that on walks so infrequently that the dogs do not know what to do with themselves when finally outside the window they are stuck to all day. They look around at the world terrified as they are dragged along against their will. 

LAURIE’S DOGS

Rating: Funny dogs

Laurie is quite the character. She’s around 50 years old and always complains to me about the men in her life. She thinks we’re close, but the only words I’ve ever said to her are “Hey!”, “Really?” and “Wow.” Anyway, she also has matching dogs but three of them, and let me tell you she cannot handle walking three dogs. They’re these little white fluff balls who are so energetic that she has to spend 95% of her walks untangling their leashes.